Uh.. a story i wrote and need feedback on? Called Love Story

[ll kairi ll]

So.. i am still trying to get used to this site... and so sorry i haven't been on for so long. >.<
And....... this is a story i have written in like 7th grade. (Now in 11th) I never really wrote passed this.... don't know why... but, please give me some input!!! i would very much appreciate it!!!

It's called Love Story


As I sat on the roof waiting for my boyfriend to come, I got lost thinking, 'What if he doesn't come? Or worse, what happens if he's going to break up with me? Is that why he told me to come here? It's only been a year . . . Maybe he found someone who's more interesting than I am. Oh, my god, I think that's it!'

Someone started to walk up the stairs that was in the school, their footsteps echoing off the walls. My heart started to race and I started to feel lightheaded; all the blood coursing through my veins throughout my body started to all go to my head.

'Oh, my god . . . He's coming!!  I should run, but where to? Maybe I should hide, but there's no point . . .'

I must have been thinking deeply to not realize the footsteps had stopped and the person was standing right next to me. He gently laid a hand on my shoulder and I jumped to a standing position with a small shriek.

"Rose? Are you alright?" The guy asked, a worried expression appearing on his face. The man standing before me was wearing skin tight black pants with a black belt and medium size oval belt buckle. The belt buckle had a big star in the middle surrounded with the 'State of Texas' written around it. On both sides had a flag; one side with the US flag, while the other supported the Texas flag. He wore a white shirt with a long necklace (with the words 'Texan' written on it) that was tucked underneath it. Now for his face, he had baby blue eyes that matched his short, brown hair with a few natural blond highlights. He was tall, standing around 5'8, and very skinny; athletic looking.

I nodded my head and his worry disappeared. He watched me for a minute before asking, "How long have you been here?"
 
I looked down at my small silver watch on my left wrist. "Um . . . I dunno, twenty minutes? Maybe more?" I looked backup to meet his gorgeous, baby blue eyes. "Wait, why did you wanna meet here Erik?" I asked him. We both hate our school; HopeMeadow. Thank the gods we were seniors and this was our last year.

Erik shrugged. "It's where we first met. And i guess I just like the view up here. Especially when the suns going down." We both turn a bit to look at the setting sun. "This is the best place in town to watch it."

I smiled. "You're right. Why don't we sit down? I've been working a  day on my feet." We sat down, letting our feet dangle over the side of the roof. "So Erik, why'd you call me at work?" 'Though I was happy to get away from sweeping at Fun-Mart ''where your food and items are always fresh and new'. New my ass,'  I though.

"Well, I didn't want this to wait. After Graduation, I don't really think we'd see each other. And . . ." He paused.

I entwined my hands with his. "Go on," I said softly.

He took a deep breath, "Well, I was wondering . . . . How would you like to --"

"GET DOWN FROM THE ROOF YOU KIDS, OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE!!" Someone below yelled, rudely interrupting Erik. We both looked down to see the school's janitor, Mr. Millals, screaming at us. He was shaking his fist in the air.

[MegaRock35]

Overall, it's very good, though as a Grammar Nazi, there a few errors I have to point out.

Someone started to walk up the stairs that were in the school, their footsteps echoing off the walls. My heart started to race, and I started to feel lightheaded; all the blood coursing through my veins throughout my body started to all go to my head.

Changed was to were to make the subject and verb agree. Also added a comma between race and and.

The wording seems... odd. It's not incorrect to my knowledge, but I feel it would benefit to change it to either just "through my veins" or just "throughout my body."

"Rose? Are you alright?" The guy asked, a worried expression appearing on his face. The man standing before me was wearing skin tight black pants with a black belt and medium size oval belt buckle. The belt buckle had a big star in the middle surrounded with 'State of Texas' written around it. On both sides had a flag; one side with the US flag, while the other supported the Texas flag. He wore a white shirt with a long necklace (with the words 'Texan' written on it) that was tucked underneath it. Now for his face, he had baby blue eyes that matched his short, brown hair with a few natural blond highlights. He was tall, standing around 5'8, and very skinny; athletic looking.

Redundant. Change to either "surrounded by the words 'State of Texas'" or "with the words 'State of Texas' around it."

Change to "On either side was a flag" or "Both sides had a flag."

I smiled. "You're right. Why don't we sit down? I've been working a  day on my feet." We sat down, letting our feet dangle over the side of the roof. "So Erik, why'd you call me at work?" 'Though I am happy to get away from sweeping at Fun-Mart ''where your food and items are always fresh and new". New my ass,'  I thought.

Probably be better to change it to "on my feet all day," in my opinion.

Minor stuff. Her thoughts should be in present tense, just like dialogue, so was should be am. Fixed the closing quote to match the opening quote for the phrase "where your food and items are always fresh and new," and fixed the typo on thought.

Again, nothing major, just a few things to help improve the overall appearance of the story.